With Corona virus completely changing our way of life, there have been many questions that it has forced all of us to ask ourselves, like if grocery store workers and delivery people are essential workers, then shouldn't they earn a living wage? Should healthcare be tied to employment? Is it okay to have a romantic relationship with your houseplants? But once we get out of this, once this is all done and we can finally leave the house and do normal things like tongue kiss our Uber drivers, there's going to be one question, one question that people want an answer to more than anything.
Where in the hell did this disease come from? Because before the virus shut down the world, people were happy. People were happy to accept the official explanation from China, which was that the virus originated at a live animal market where it somehow jumped from a bat to a human. And we were like, OK. I think that's the plot of dark night, but we'll accept it.
But now, now that all of us have been stuck in the house with nothing to do except throw our cat's birthday parties of a zoo, everyone, at home has had time to come up with some theories about how exactly they think this whole thing went down. Now, I've also been spending a lot of time online, and the most common conspiracy theories I've seen is that the virus jumped from a bat to a human the same way Oriels jumped from the package into my roommate's mouth and with it going, really!
I see you. And this is a theory many people were willing to accept because of racism. People are saying that in China, they eat all kinds of crazy things. Hey, I heard these cookies we ear come with a piece of paper inside. I was also ready to believe this pandemic could have started as a food thing because, look, man, I've been in situations where food starts a thing like I was on a flight once where one person eats a tuna sandwich, but then we all paid the price.
So the stories made sense until it came out that those viral videos of people eating bat soup weren't even filmed in China and then we found out that viruses cannot be cooked anyway. So that was out of the window. Then I heard about a different conspiracy theory. That totally makes sense. You see, it turns out Corona was never just a virus. No, it was actually a weapon created to take old people out.
If you go online, there's no shortage of conspiracy theories. All right. So here's what the theory stated. The virus was bio engineered in a lab by scientists to be used as a weapon or a form of population control. This is a theory. Former politician Bronwyn Bishop has also suggested it is to get rid of non-productive Chinese in the Chinese community. In the words of George Finniss, who should be eliminated. So they don't have to be seen. Roseanne Barr is calling the novel Corona Virus Pandemic a ploy to kill baby boomers.
All right. Now, this theory, made complete sense. Who dies the most from the virus? Old people. Who does the most anyway? Old people. This the perfect crime. And think about it. As soon as people started saying, OK, Boomer. All of a sudden we got corona virus and old people are dying. That can't be a coincidence. And you might be asking, oh, why would anyone want to take out all the old people? I don't know. Maybe it's because someone was tired of giving up their seat on the bus. Maybe restaurant owners are just tired of having to open for dinner at three p.m.
Maybe young people were just tired of getting their ass whipped at Bingo! The point is, the motive is there. Now, I will admit, as much as I wanted to believe that theory. I had to let it go. OK, because a team of scientists, scientists with degrees and qualifications, they sequenced the genome of the coronavirus. They broke it down. And they found that unlike every butt in Miami, this virus definitely wasn't manmade. So, OK.
Maybe this wasn't a biological weapon designed to destroy the slot machine economy. But that wasn't my favorite theory anyway, because there's one theory, one theory that actually makes the most sense. And then came this conspiracy theory sweeping the globe that Corona virus is caused by 5G technology.
The theory is that 5G damages the human immune system. All of us should know what's taking place right under our noses. What 5G actually does is that it absorbs oxygen. And that's really important to know. 5G. Get switched on. People drop like flies. And all of a sudden you've got the excuse because, well, there's a virus going on. Some people in the UK bought into it so much, they started lighting cell phone towers on fire. 5G, burn and burn. Burn, burn! Yes. Those cell phone towers there. Now we've got to put an end to Corona virus and all group chats. I don't know who any of you people are, but I did not ask to be a part of this group. Now, I know some of you are sitting at home right now smuggling how display G cause a virus. But I'll tell you how. Ask yourself this question. What is 5 G? It's a super-fast network that runs through the air. You know what else goes to the core cool virus? What else goes through the supermarket? And what burger did I eat while watching the last Superman movie? Five guys, five guys, five G.
I rest my case. Now I'm not going to lie. There are few coverage gaps in this 5G theory. Just a few, just a few things that make me doubt. For starters, every part of this theory is completely ridiculous and biologically impossible. Not to mention Corona virus has also exploded in places where they don't even have 5G. So I haven't figured that out yet. And 5G, just like 4G and 3G before it is broadcast at such a low frequency, it's too weak to do any damage to you.
So saying 5G makes you sick and sort of like saying an iPhone flashlight gave you a sunburn. In fact, 5G broadcast in the same range as a normal radio. Yeah. And let's be honest, the most dangerous thing we've gotten from radio wasn't a virus. It was mambo number five. And that only killed six thousand people, tops. So where did the Corona virus come from? I don't know. Are you happy? I said. I don't know. But I'll tell you this. I don't care if any of these conspiracy theories have been debunked. I'm not taking any chances. From now on, I will no longer be ordering the Popeye spicy best sandwich, even though it's delicious.
I also decided I'm not going to get old. It's just too risky. And most importantly, I've stopped using cell phones. Yeah, no 5G for me. From now on, I only use a pager and yeah, I know that makes it harder to send nudes, but I'm going to do my best. And I know the alternative to all of this is that I could just wait for doctors and scientists to figure out where this virus came from. But I mean, come on, man, I'm not crazy.
Well, that's it for today. But before I go, stay safe out there. Wash your hands. And remember, the only thing you need to get through this crisis is right here. That's where I keep my weed on the inside!!! Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t suggested anyone should use weed, it is not cure either. It is just another conspiracy theory I hadn’t mentioned.