With
Corona virus completely changing our way of life, there have been many
questions that it has forced all of us to ask ourselves, like if grocery store
workers and delivery people are essential workers, then shouldn't they earn a
living wage? Should healthcare be tied to employment? Is it okay to have a
romantic relationship with your houseplants? But once we get out of this, once
this is all done and we can finally leave the house and do normal things like
tongue kiss our Uber drivers, there's going to be one question, one question
that people want an answer to more than anything.
Where
in the hell did this disease come from? Because before the virus shut down the
world, people were happy. People were happy to accept the official explanation
from China, which was that the virus originated at a live animal market where
it somehow jumped from a bat to a human. And we were like, OK. I think that's
the plot of dark night, but we'll accept it.
But now,
now that all of us have been stuck in the house with nothing to do except throw
our cat's birthday parties of a zoo, everyone, at home has had time to come up
with some theories about how exactly they think this whole thing went down. Now,
I've also been spending a lot of time online, and the most common conspiracy theories I've seen is that the virus jumped from a bat to a human the same way
Oriels jumped from the package into my roommate's mouth and with it going,
really!
I see
you. And this is a theory many people were willing to accept because of racism.
People are saying that in China, they eat all kinds of crazy things. Hey, I
heard these cookies we ear come with a piece of paper inside. I was also ready
to believe this pandemic could have started as a food thing because, look, man,
I've been in situations where food starts a thing like I was on a flight once
where one person eats a tuna sandwich, but then we all paid the price.
So the
stories made sense until it came out that those viral videos of people eating bat soup weren't even filmed in China and then we found out that viruses cannot
be cooked anyway. So that was out of the window. Then I heard about a different
conspiracy theory. That totally makes sense. You see, it turns out Corona was
never just a virus. No, it was actually a weapon created to take old people
out.
If you
go online, there's no shortage of conspiracy theories. All right. So here's
what the theory stated. The virus was bio engineered in a lab by scientists to
be used as a weapon or a form of population control. This is a theory. Former
politician Bronwyn Bishop has also suggested it is to get rid of non-productive
Chinese in the Chinese community. In the words of George Finniss, who should be
eliminated. So they don't have to be seen. Roseanne Barr is calling the novel
Corona Virus Pandemic a ploy to kill baby boomers.
All
right. Now, this theory, made complete sense. Who dies the most from the virus?
Old people. Who does the most anyway? Old people. This the perfect crime. And
think about it. As soon as people started saying, OK, Boomer. All of a sudden
we got corona virus and old people are dying. That can't be a coincidence. And
you might be asking, oh, why would anyone want to take out all the old people?
I don't know. Maybe it's because someone was tired of giving up their seat on
the bus. Maybe restaurant owners are just tired of having to open for dinner at
three p.m.
Maybe
young people were just tired of getting their ass whipped at Bingo! The point
is, the motive is there. Now, I will admit, as much as I wanted to believe that
theory. I had to let it go. OK, because a team of scientists, scientists with
degrees and qualifications, they sequenced the genome of the coronavirus. They
broke it down. And they found that unlike every butt in Miami, this virus
definitely wasn't manmade. So, OK.
Maybe
this wasn't a biological weapon designed to destroy the slot machine economy.
But that wasn't my favorite theory anyway, because there's one theory, one
theory that actually makes the most sense. And then came this conspiracy theory
sweeping the globe that Corona virus is caused by 5G technology.
The
theory is that 5G damages the human immune system. All of us should know what's
taking place right under our noses. What 5G actually does is that it absorbs
oxygen. And that's really important to know. 5G. Get switched on. People drop
like flies. And all of a sudden you've got the excuse because, well, there's a
virus going on. Some people in the UK bought into it so much, they started
lighting cell phone towers on fire. 5G, burn and burn. Burn, burn! Yes. Those
cell phone towers there. Now we've got to put an end to Corona virus and all
group chats. I don't know who any of you people are, but I did not ask to be a
part of this group. Now, I know some of you are sitting at home right now
smuggling how display G cause a virus. But I'll tell you how. Ask yourself this
question. What is 5 G? It's a super-fast network that runs through the air. You
know what else goes to the core cool virus? What else goes through the
supermarket? And what burger did I eat while watching the last Superman movie?
Five guys, five guys, five G.
I rest
my case. Now I'm not going to lie. There are few coverage gaps in this 5G
theory. Just a few, just a few things that make me doubt. For starters, every
part of this theory is completely ridiculous and biologically impossible. Not
to mention Corona virus has also exploded in places where they don't even have
5G. So I haven't figured that out yet. And 5G, just like 4G and 3G before it is
broadcast at such a low frequency, it's too weak to do any damage to you.
So
saying 5G makes you sick and sort of like saying an iPhone flashlight gave you
a sunburn. In fact, 5G broadcast in the same range as a normal radio. Yeah. And
let's be honest, the most dangerous thing we've gotten from radio wasn't a
virus. It was mambo number five. And that only killed six thousand people,
tops. So where did the Corona virus come from? I don't know. Are you happy? I
said. I don't know. But I'll tell you this. I don't care if any of these
conspiracy theories have been debunked. I'm not taking any chances. From now
on, I will no longer be ordering the Popeye spicy best sandwich, even though
it's delicious.
I also
decided I'm not going to get old. It's just too risky. And most importantly,
I've stopped using cell phones. Yeah, no 5G for me. From now on, I only use a
pager and yeah, I know that makes it harder to send nudes, but I'm going to do
my best. And I know the alternative to all of this is that I could just wait
for doctors and scientists to figure out where this virus came from. But I
mean, come on, man, I'm not crazy.
Well,
that's it for today. But before I go, stay safe out there. Wash your hands. And
remember, the only thing you need to get through this crisis is right here. That's
where I keep my weed on the inside!!!
Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t suggested anyone should use weed, it is
not cure either. It is just another conspiracy theory I hadn’t mentioned.